Ju-Lying & Time Flying!

Artist Unknown

The month is halfway over.  Every time I think about it, my brain screams, "I know you're fucking lying!"

I am convinced that time is being sped up, and my analog clock, in comparison to my digital clock, seems to agree with my conspiracy theory.  However, does it matter?  Even if time is being pushed forward, shit still gotta get done.

I feel like I am growing out of my current self at a rapid pace and there is no time time mourn me.  
I am happy to watch myself shed old habits, but I also know that those habits have protected me from the unknown...  Perhaps the unknown is where I should be.

Perhaps the unknown has been my path all along, and fear of the unknown keeps me tied to what is comfortable...

I no longer have the desire to be who I currently am.  I do not want to do the things to maintain this current life.  I don't want it anymore.  
I think someone else is better suited for this life I am currently living, and I think life has been trying to show me that for over a decade but I wasn't sure until now.

It is a nice life, but it no longer inspires me, and I feel exhausted thinking about the effort it takes to maintain this level of mediocracy and I don't want to do any of it anymore.  I appreciate it because shit can always be worse, but I no longer find peace in it.

The crazy part is, while I know what I don't want, I do not know what I truly want...

Nobody told me that my hormones would start going wild around the age of 35; they call it perimenopause.  

Nobody explained to me that all the things that have been happening to my body actually have a name and that I was not losing my mind going through all the stages and phases that a woman experiences during these hormonal changes.

I also understand that people can't tell you what they don't know themselves.  I just find myself feeling like I don't want any of this anymore, but I know that everything that I am ready to shed, I worked really hard to obtain.

I think this is what they call a mid-life crisis. Some buy sports cars and trade in their old loves for new, hotter versions, but me?  I don't even want that.

I don't have an "out with the old, in with the new" mentality.  I have an "I need a fresh start" mentality.  I want to keep some people, but when I think of the energy they are attached to, the people they will bring along with them and in our lives, I realize that the only way I can get off of this cycle is to get out of it.

I just don't want to do any of this anymore.  I don't want to think about it, I don't want to figure it out, I don't want to grind for it, I just want live and I want it all to be funded so I don't spend time worrying about how I am going to make the money so I can spend my time the way I see fit.  I've been doing this since 16 years old and I am EXHAUSTED!  Mentally, physically, spiritually, and wholeheartedly exhausted.

July to me is what January is to most people - a fresh start. The New Year's second half has me desiring something I've never imagined I wanted - nothing that feels like a responsibility.

I no longer want anything; my only desire is what I need.  My only need is the truth, and here we are surrounded in a world full of liars.

Welcome to my new phase!  Time to clean house, literally & figuratively.