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| Art by Katie Butler |
You ever just feel like talking?
Not to be repeated, not to be advised, just need a listening ear or a reading eye to let your words spill out in a safe space?
I realized that the level of privacy I want in conversation can only be bought. My counselor is not free, but the investment continues to change my life. Lately, this is one of two people I feel like I can have a fully transparent conversation with. I hope you can be that too, but let's be honest, even this post is surface. Just a way to work through some surface questions I have at the moment, so when I do connect with my "Top Two", I can clearly articulate my point of view on matters that I feel heavy for me at the moment.
What's heavy right now? Everything and nothing at the same time.
It's a level of trust that seems to be missing with people I have always wanted to trust. I am having a hard time accepting that love does not have to come with all the other things that are high on my list, like honesty, integrity, fairness, hugs, and a few other things that seem to warm my soul.
Everyone I love, I may not like.
I am having a hard time accepting that when it comes to a couple of people, and I am not sure where that leaves me as a person.
I find myself reconciling with the fact that I just don't want to do any of this anymore. I don't care about anything that I feel should tether me to this existence. I don't want to be attached to who I used to be anymore.
If I had one wish, it would be to keep my "Top Two" and completely start over. Meet new people, become an author, move to a small town and open a storefront that serves multiple purposes... The ultimate "rebrand".
Then I thought, what if the ones I wanted to take wanted to stay in their current reality? What would I do then?
I had a glimpse of the life I described and decided that I would still go. If I stay, I will die. I may remain in the flesh, but my soul would die because I never lived the life I was called to live.
I sat still to remain a character in another's life story. That's how I would feel.
Then I thought, who holds a safe space for me? Where is home? Who is home?
Where and who can I leave and always have a home to come back to?
That's what my grandma felt like, home.
As long as I was me, and she had breath, I always felt like I had a person who loved me unconditionally, and no matter where I went, no matter how far I wandered, I would always have her to shelter me, comfort me, help me, feed me, hug me, accept me... No questions asked. I was born into her love, and it was unwavering.
Then I thought, that's the best birthday gift I have ever received. Being born into the world knowing someone loved me, as my grandma did.
I find myself wondering if I have that now.
I don't want to wonder. I want to know I have that. I don't want the people I love in this way to wonder; I want them to know.
Then I thought, how can I be what I naturally long for?
Then I realized, I can't be something I intuitively am. I love the people that I love just like my grandma loved me, unwaveringly.
I love, honestly, supportive, I believe in everyone, I support and encourage dreams and finding your individual path, I am encouraging, I am trustworthy, and as of late - I am empty.
What I give, I need and not in micro doses. I need an IV of some unwavering love right now. The kind that isn't offended that I feel this way, but the kind that adjusts to assure I never feel this way again.
Then I thought...